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Games That Should Have Never Existed

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 22:35:49 -0700

We all play games. We play good games. We play bad games. The good games stay in our library while the bad ones make a good gift for someone you hate. Over the 26 years I have been gaming I've found that there are some games that I love more than I should, and then there are some games that I just can't figure out what all the fuss is about. Instead of writing about these games, I should be throwing them in the trunk of a flaming car and roll it off a cliff. What were the developers thinking? Or what were they drinking? Agree or disagree, these 10 games robbed me of my time and money. I can get some of the money back, but the time will forever be lost.

BAD STREET BRAWLER :: NES
I picked this game up to complete my collection of games specifically made for the Power Glove. Super Glove Ball was pretty good, what about this one? Garbage. The character Duke Davis has some of the most awkward looking attacks. Even weirder enemies included the likes of puppies and gorillas who throw bananas at you. Adding insult to injury, the Power Glove makes this game unplayable so you have to use a standard controller to have a chance at beating this game. It's no question Mattel no longer makes video games.

FAR CRY VENGEANCE :: WII
Kudos to Ubisoft for being one of the few third party developers to support the Wii from day one. Shame on them that most of those early games were slapped together. This game was very broken and buggy. I experienced audio issues where I would hear guns firing all around me with no one in sight. Choppy action and a ridiculously lame two player mode made me fear that the future of the Wii was not going to be a bright one.

PIT FIGHTER :: SNES
THQ used to be known as the makers of some pretty bad games back on the Super NES, Pit Fighter being one of them. The arcade game was fun, but got lost in translation when brought to the home console. The animation in this game was very bad and the hit detection was severely off. Good luck trying to beat this one as the AI takes advantage of these shortcomings to beat you senseless. Thankfully Street Fighter 2 helped me wash the bad taste out of my mouth.

GAUNTLET DARK LEGACY :: GAMECUBE
Midway knows how to take a franchise and rip its soul out. At least my wife liked this game, but bad for me since I ended up renting and playing it 3 times with her. You would think 4 player co-op play equals instant success but the levels are bland, boring and mindless gameplay, and topped off with a lack of difficulty the franchise is known for. Stab this game in the gut for me if you see it on the street.

KILLER INSTINCT GOLD :: N64
Rare ruled the Nintendo 64 console, but something went wrong when they released this stinker. Once you got a grasp of the gameplay and it became more than just button mashing, the matches became long drawn out blocking parties. I've never heard 'Combo Breaker' shouted so much. The combo system lacks any intelligence which is a shame since this is the franchise that made combos popular on the Super NES. Since this release, the franchise has yet to get another sequel.

F-1 RACE :: GAMEBOY
Even Nintendo is guilty of leaving a bag of poop on the shelves from time to time. F-1 Race lacked something very important. Fun. It was like playing a portable version of Pole Position. The gimmick here was that it came with a 4 player adapter. This helped you and 3 friends all join in on the bore fest. Horrible music and graphics, even for a GameBoy game. A whopping 2 selectable cars were at your disposal to race around tracks that put you to sleep more than they put you in the winners circle. The adapter itself was not supported and quickly became a dust collector.

ANT NATION :: DS
A current gen game but Konami couldn't figure a way to make those ants just a bit bigger. The fun here is controlling black specs on your screen. The game progresses very slowly with dull gameplay that makes completing all 100 levels next to impossible. The game will start off leaving nothing for you to do only to drop you in later levels with too much. There's no in between. This is one strategy game to skip.

LEGO BIONICLE :: GAMEBOY ADVANCE
I was duped into trying this game since it was featured in one of the Nintendo Power Advance Magazines. What EA gives us here is a game that uses the Lego name but lacks the Lego feel. The graphics are so bad I couldn't tell what some of the things on screen were. The game is very short and the difficulty comes from confusing graphics instead of relentless enemies or bosses. Thankfully the game is easy enough so it doesn't matter.

GOLF ::
VIRTUAL BOY
A dismal system but there were a number of great games. When you get to Golf, that's when you start to pull your hair out. The ball physics were abysmal. It must of had a lead weight stuck inside it. Just the idea of a game that is normally played on a green field put on the Virtual Boy and everything being in red is bad.

FRIDAY THE 13TH :: NES
We couldn't get out of here without listing an LJN game! Congratulations if you beat this game because I was incredibly lost. If you complain about getting lost in Metroid games, you've never played this one. What was the point of the map screen? To tease you because it doesn't help. Most of the backgrounds look the same so you'll be going in circles and not even know it. When you finally find Jason, chances are he's going to kill you or run away. If he doesn't kill you, the quickly looping music will.

-streex

Time to pull out the crystal ball

Wed, 26 May 2010 20:30:32 -0700

We're at the midway point of 2010 and Nintendo has been moving and shaking the industry with all sorts of huge titles and a new handheld. Super Mario Galaxy 2 has just been released and it seems this is going to go down as one of the best, maybe THE best, game ever released. The currently named 3DS is going to boldly go where no portable has gone before....3D.

While taking into account the way the industry has worked for the past 10 years, we try to pinpoint what is going to happen over the next 6 months as we head into 2011. So with that, let's rub the fingerprints off the crystal ball and get to work.

GameBoy Virtual Console launches soon after the 3DS
Assuming the 3DS is launched in October, a new portable gaming device with a little extra incentive for gamers to get it. Finally after years of asking, Nintendo will tell us that classic GameBoy games will start showing up on a Virtual Console service. With current DSiWare games priced so low, expect the GameBoy Virtual Console pricing to be about the same. Gamers that choose not to get the 3DS will also be able to get these classics on the DSi or DSi XL.

Wii starts losing its grip on the monthly sales charts
The Wii has destroyed the other consoles for years in terms of sales and the price drop helped that trend continue late last year. Unfortunately the Wii is going to start losing some steam heading into the second half of this year, thanks in part to the motion control schemes of the 360 and PS3, and the new family friendly campaigns that will accompany them. Plus there are rumors that the next outing for Microsoft will happen in 2011 or 2012. The elephant in the room says it's also because it needs more power. Most everyone that wants a Wii pretty much has one so now is the time to spring news of the successor and have it ready for the holidays next year. Nintendo needs to think about making promises of HD graphics and refined motion controls on the next console at E3.

The 3DS will be a huge success!
This goes in a complete opposite direction of what analyst Michael Pachter predicted. Truth be told, Nintendo has ruled the handheld market since the colorless days of the GameBoy. Many competitors have come and gone, some insist to hang around, but nobody does portability like Nintendo. The 3DS is going to ride on the wave of the new 3D boom that has encompassed other media industries. New 3D TV's, many more movies in 3D, and TV shows soon to start airing in 3D. The consumer is going to eat up this portable 3D gaming device. Should Nintendo make it available in October, they are going to rule the holidays.

Look out! Here comes the PS3!
It was ahead of its time. The HD quality gaming catered to a minority of homes since majority still had SD TV's. 2010 marks the first year that more than half of the consumer's homes have HD TV's and they will want to push that new tech to the limit. The PS3 is quite affordable for $300, and it includes a Blu-Ray player so casual gamers are going to start looking here as well. This is why Nintendo needs to make a move soon. The PS3 is already here for the new HD crowds which will result in the PS3 going neck to neck with the Wii month to month in sales down the home stretch.

The PSP Go will go bye bye.
You continue to see them on shelves, but no one is buying them. Anyone interested in a Sony handheld is going to stick with a PSP 3000 because it's cheaper and can do more than the PSP Go. The PSP Go looks nicer but can only play downloaded games. Give credit to Sony for hanging in there even as iPod Touch and iPhone game sales pass them by. Rumors point at yet another portable coming from Sony, this one with touch screen tech. If you can't beat 'em, copy them. Sony is good at this and has had success with it in the past so don't think for a minute they won't do it again. So see ya PSP Go and hello PSP DS... whatever it will be called.

New instruments = slowing music genre sales
Rock Band 3 looks to have a new keyboard peripheral coming with it. Survey says, XX. DJ Hero thought gamers were ready to drop several more dollars for a new turntable peripheral and results haven't reached expectations. The genre is suffering from being over saturated with titles and expensive instrument bundles. Can we go 3 months without a new Guitar Hero or Rock Band game? EA and Activision think not. The good news coming from this is downloadable songs. Instead of dropping $150 - $200 for another set of instruments or one new instrument, consumers are going to focus more on stretching the life of their current games with new songs. Yeah I bought DJ Hero and will get a new keyboard peripheral, but I have an addiction to new peripherals. The level minded gamer will pass. Bottom line, don't expect new music games to make a killing for the rest of the year.

Launch games prove developers
don't 'get' Move and Natal motion controls yet
The casual gamer may get sucked in, along with Sony and Microsoft fanboys, but majority will find that these new motion control devices don't hold their promises. They amazed us at E3 last year, forcing us to believe that this is what real motion control is all about. In the end, you will bring it into your living room and find that what they showed does not translate well in real life. Also, welcome to 2006 guys! The Wii started with some experimental games with third party companies not knowing how to fully utilize the tech, some still scratching their heads today. Sony and Microsoft are running head first into that same void. If developers couldn't get an immediate grasp on how to implement smart, not tacked-on motion control with a said 'simpler' motion control scheme, imagine the quality of the launch games for these.

Economy improving, same goes with the gaming industry
When you look at all the great games coming out for all consoles, combined with the slowly recovering economy, you know things are going to start getting better. New hardware always makes people's wallets loose, and between the Vitality Sensor, Move, Natal, 3DS, and any surprises at E3, you can bet we have a historical year on our hands. Super Mario Galaxy 2, Metroid: Other M, and new Zelda means Nintendo is throwing all cards on the table. Any other big game announcements at E3 and the industry is going to be thriving while we are going broke! Which is all fine by me. I don't mind being broke as long as I have some good games to keep me company.

Downloadable games become a bigger force than
ever before
While I don't believe used game sales are a big threat to the industry, there are those that believe it. With that, expect the quality of downloadable games to get even better as the industry crawls ever so slowly at the thought that one day all games will be digital. I don't like it, but one day, maybe 10 years from now, you won't be going to the store to pick up a game disc any longer. A downloadable game awarded Game of the Year? Maybe not this year, but in 2011, it may happen.

Finally! A way to transfer your downloadable games to a new console is born.
What has kept me from purchasing a DSi XL or black Wii? No way to transfer my downloaded games to the new console. There are many others that think this way and Nintendo knows it. I believe (hope) they are hard at work right now trying to come up with a solution. Things like this take time because the last thing Nintendo wants to do is rush out an untested solution that unlocks an easy path for hackers to take to duplicate downloaded games to multiple consoles. Somehow I see the solution involving the attachment of games to a user account, not a console. That way you can void your account on one system and reactivate it on another. I'm sure it's not that simple but I see the brains at Nintendo having this problem solved around the time 3DS shows up.

-streex

It's stuck in my head and I can't get it out

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:34:59 -0700

Video game music. So charming at times and relentless at others. Either way, your mind will retain whatever songs come across it. You welcome that jingle with open arms that makes you smile and it will brighten up your day when the grey matter conjures it up from memories past. But the brain can also be a very naughty mass and will scare you from time to time, reminding you of that tune that went on and on. When this happens, you curse at your brain for remembering such a song and threaten it with a few blows of the sledgehammer.

Wonder why music of today doesn't stick as often as the music of the past? Memory was a concern with older titles and music couldn't go on for much longer than a minute without looping. Therefore, that same 45 seconds of blips and bleeps dug deep into your head until it was too late. Thanks to repetition, the damage is now permanent. There is a good and bad side to all of this. Here's some songs I will never forget.

Theme Song :: Super Mario Bros.
Probably stuck in more heads than just mine, the
original theme song to Super Mario Bros. easily finds
its way to my whistling lips week after week, month
after month, year after year. Nintendo, why have you
done this to me....why!

Chemical Plant Zone :: Sonic 2
As a Nintendo centric guy, you probably find it
amazing that a game on the Genesis would find itself
engraved on my brain. Well, I had friends that had this
game in steady rotation years ago and now with it
infesting my Virtual Console, I find myself dropping
what I'm doing and dancing a little jig when this song
comes a calling. It's painful, but my limbs have a mind
of their own.

It's Tricky, Run D.M.C. :: SSX Tricky
I'm a huge Run D.M.C. fan and loved hearing it the first
time when I popped SSX Tricky into my GameCube.
Then the nightmare became a reality. Every time the
power meter would max, the song would start up
again. This happened quite often which meant more
It's Tricky than I could handle.

A-Type Theme :: Tetris
From Russia with fun is what they tell us. And with that
fun came this little jingle that many of you I'm sure are
fond of. Makes you want to find an old school brick
GameBoy doesn't it?

Onett Theme :: EarthBound
The die hard cult followers can side with me on this
one. Fairly modest commercial success, but for those
still yearning for the day Nintendo releases a sequel
in North America, this song frequently gets
daydreamed about. I can't get enough of it so I finally
threw it into my mp3 player. While connected to my car
stereo, windows down, volume up, there's no better
way to live.

Overworld :: The Legend of Zelda
You would be surprised if you knew how many people
know this song. People that have fallen out of gaming
that once played can hear this and be taken back to
a magical world they once knew. Redone numerous
times on succeeding titles, the original Overworld theme
is a legendary masterpiece.

Puzzles :: Professor Layton and the Curious Village
When you find yourself stuck on a difficult puzzle,
you'll find yourself listening to the same tune for a
very long time until you complete it. It all sounds so
innocent at first, but as you become frustrated trying to
solve the puzzle, this song gets increasingly frustrating
as well. Where's that volume button!?! Shut up
Professor! You're not my friend anymore!

Training theme :: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
When this came on, you were usually out of breath
and you just defeated some insane boxer with your
finger speed. This was a song you wanted to hear
just after winning a belt and moving on to the next
circuit. This will always be on my good side, pink
jogging suit and all.

T.N.T., AC/DC :: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4
There were multiple songs on the soundtrack for this
game, but you wouldn't know it. Just about every time
I jumped on the skateboard, AC/DC wanted me to
watch them explode. Great song, but like any, does
get old if overdone.

Fun House :: Mickey Mousecapade
I just rented this game for 5 days when I was 11 and
it beats me over the head years later. I feel your pain,
anyone that owned this game and played it for longer
than a week. The game was fun sure, but it's not fun
remembering this song as I'm trying to watch a ball
game! I digress, because it's useful for drowning out
my wife talking about new diapers for the new baby.
I'm only joking dear.

There are so many memorable tunes out there and I love video game music. Please share the tune that has been playing in your head all day.

-streex

Nintendo 101

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 21:39:53 -0800

During my short-pants years, there was a word that struck fear into the hearts of gamers everywhere; a word so terrible, so awful, that the mere utterance of it caused us to fall to the ground and rend our garments.

That word was: edutainment.

Shudder.

Thankfully, in the year 2009, aside from that pesky Brain Age series, games no longer have didactic aspirations. But games actually do teach us things. Example: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009 taught me that a bad golf shot is not necessarily always my fault. (It's perfectly OK to blame the touchy IR interface.) Another example: Real Heroes: Firefighter taught me to never keep gasoline in the house. That's one of the many "useful" tips the game displays during load screens. Finally, I learned from Ghostbusters: The Video Game that everything Bill Murray says is not always funny. Thanks for teaching me that, Atari.

Here are 10 more things that videogames taught me in 2009.

1. Indian people very much enjoy using expensive carpets as a mode of transportation.
-Punch-Out!!

2. That a feral rabbit in a G-string is somehow, someway infinitely funnier than Will Arnette and Neil Patrick Harris combined.
-Rabbids Go Home

3. That being a spider isn't so bad after all.
-Deadly Creatures

4. That a guilty pleasure is not a guilty pleasure if the developers forget to include the "pleasure" part.
-X-Men Origins: Wolverine

5. That LEGO has finally had its jump-the-shark moment.
-LEGO Rock Band

6. That I am willing to look ridiculous, as long as there is fun on the far side of looking ridiculous.
-DJ Hero

7. That Activision's czar Bobby Kotick is not a vampire or a shape-shifter; he is, in fact, quite human after all.
-Tony Hawk: Ride

8. That sometimes DS games really should stay on the DS.
-Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

9. That the Beatles were perfect human beings who got along perfectly, and who only made perfect music.
-The Beatles: Rock Band

10. That bug-shaped robots, when left to their own devices, will race.
-ExciteBots: Trick Racing

Questionable gaming relationships

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:06:14 -0700

In the greatest movie of modern times, "Lethal Weapon," Mel Gibson plays a crazy person who drinks alone while staring at photos of his ex-wife and Danny Glover plays his straitlaced family-man partner. Together, they have a man-chemistry -- manistry, if you will -- that was strong enough to merit the making of three additional Lethal Weapon movies, all of which were pretty miserable.

While gaming has its fair share of Murtaugh-Riggs-caliber pairings -- Mario and Luigi, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man -- it has just as many, if not more, oddball unions that never fail to make me feel like something is more than a little askew.

Professor Layton and Luke (Professor Layton series)

Saw this one coming, no? Whether it's the cloying way that young Luke is trying desperately to please his older mentor, or their visits to places like "St. Mystere," or the totally erect top hat that Professor Layton always wears, or their constant searches for a "hidden door," this union feels more than a little unholy.

Sonic and Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog series)

Over the years, only one person on Earth has seemed more confused about his gender than Tails. And that person would be Tyler Perry/Madea. Tails is an anthropomorphic fox with two tails who is totally nude, except for a pair of gloves and a pair of track shoes. He is supposedly an eight-year-old boy who admires Sonic, but whenever he talks, he sounds like a 10-year-old girl trying to buy tickets for the Jonas Brothers show tonight. Sonic: Start hanging out with anthropomorphic creatures your own age.

Link and Midna (The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)

Midna is a creepy, pot-bellied imp who busts Link out of prison, turns him into a wolf, and then proceeds to gleefully ride Link-wolf around. Later in the game, things get creepier still when Midna's true form turns out to be the body of a sexy blue lady with a midriff so taut it would draw applause poolside at the Chateau Marmont.

Leon Kennedy and Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)

Perhaps it's those orgasmic squeals Ashley lets out whenever Leon catches her. Or maybe it's the way she follows Leon around, hiding in dumpsters whenever he tells her to hide in dumpsters. Or maybe it's her short, plaid skirt, or the awkward, poorly written flirtatious banter between the two. Whatever it is, something about this pairing makes me shout repeatedly at the television screen: He is too old for you, Ashley! But he is, however, good at killing zombies! So follow him around for now! Just keep your skirt down, OK? Ashley? OK?

Leon Kennedy and Luis Sera (Resident Evil 4)

When Leon and Luis meet -- Symbolism alert! Sound the alarms! -- Leon literally lets Luis out of a closet. Over the course of the rest of the game, Luis continues to pop up during odd moments, ostensibly to assist Leon, or to elaborate on the game's terrible plot. But it always feels as if Luis has an ulterior motive for following Leon around. It always feels like he's one line of dialogue away from asking Leon to go cashmere-sweater shopping and get a Chai tea.

Lakitu and his cloud (Super Mario series)

Only one person reportedly has ever seen Lakitu without his cloud. That person was paid an undisclosed amount of "hush coins," and then that person's corpse was discovered in a wheat field out behind Peach's Castle six months later. What exactly is going on inside that cloud? Whatever it is, it's not healthy for Lakitu or for the cloud. If that cloud ever gets free of Lakitu, it will need many years of therapy just to feel like a normal cloud again.

Kurt Cobain and Guitar Hero 5 (Guitar Hero 5)

The scariest videogame of the year doesn't have the words "Silent" or "Hill" in it. It's this game from the classy people at Activision. This is the first time in the series' history that the game actually features an Unlockable Ghost. That ghost is Kurt Cobain, who can be used -- yes, that's the right word here -- to create all sorts of uncomfortable pairings. Why not just go a step further, Activision, and include some autopsy pics as unlockables, too?

Doc Louis and Little Mac (Punch-Out!! series)

These two have been going strong together for 20 years, and they somehow, someway make it work, something that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson couldn't figure out. The dynamic of their relationship is this: Doc Louis gives Mac sometimes helpful but often useless advice; Mac might or might not take said advice. Together they are gaming's all-time greatest uncomfortable union. It's not exactly a stretch to imagine Doc walking into the locker-room showers wearing nothing but his mustache and saying to Little Mac, "Don't worry, Mac. I'm just in here looking for my chocolate bar. Ha, ha!"

Games that need the motion control treatment

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:54:28 -0700

Back at E3 2006, motion control was the star of the show for the first time, with the new Wiimote drawing two hour lines at the show's height. At E3 2009, motion control was again the big focus of the show, with Nintendo's more accurate Wii MotionPlus and Ubisoft's Camera. These new technologies understandably have developers, journalists and gamers excitedly imagining what kind of brand new, exciting game experiences might be possible in this brave new world of more accurate motion control.

Nuts to that. Why come up with all new game experiences when there are tons of classic games and franchises just begging to be remade for these new controllers? Here's a quick list of some games we want to see brought back for some motion-controlled fun.

Super Glove Ball

All the jokes about how people "love the Power Glove" because "it's so bad" kind of obscure the fact that people tended to hate the Power Glove because it was, um, actually so bad. Surprisingly, though, the game that came with it, Super Glove Ball, wasn't awful.

A slow-paced, more tactical version of Arkanoid, only with very impressive (for the time, at least) 3-D graphics and gameplay, the only real problem with Super Glove Ball was the sluggish, wonky Power Glove itself. The Wii could easily improve on the 3-D graphics while using Wii MotionPlus to let you accurately grab at and throw the ball against the walls of bricks. Think Boom Blox, but with the need for good reflexes thrown in.

Dance Dance Revolution

The Dance Dance Revolution games are actually no strangers to motion controls, even if you ignore the dance mat itself. DDR: Hottest Party for the Wii lets you shake the Wii Remote and Nunchuk in time with on screen prompts. Don't even get me started on all the other games that have tried to use the Balance Board or Wiimote to simulate some (very lame) dance moves.

We need a real revolution in dancing games, and Ubisoft's Camera might be able to provide it. Instead of mindlessly following the on-screen arrows by stomping on the pad, the Camera could let you freestyle by detecting and ranking all sorts of full body dance moves, from spins and shimmies to flips and breakdancing moves (for the pros). Plus, no need for bulky pads clogging up your closet. It's a win-win!

World Class Track Meet

The real problem with this game (which came pre-packaged with one of the first motion controllers, the NES Power Pad) was how easy it was to cheat. The 100-yard dash could be completed with quick, tiny little stutter steps instead of true running, and jumping to the side could easily lead to long jumps that looked like they took place on the moon.

Add in the full-body tracking abilities of Ubisoft's Camera, though, and the focus switches from cheating the system to using correct athletic form. Replacing the Power Pad with the Camera means you can also simulate all those upper body track and field events. Imagine miming motions for the javelin, discus, shot put or hammer throw and seeing the resulting projectile fly away on-screen based on your real-life speed and technique.

Pilotwings

Sometimes, I think Nintendo just likes teasing its longtime fans. The Air Sports mini-games in Wii Sports Resort prove that the new Wii MotionPlus can be used as an analogue for a flight-sim. But instead of recreating the accessible yet deep flight simulator experience of the fan favorite Pilotwings series, they use this new technology to provide three short, uninspired mini-games, including the incredibly lame, scenic "Island Flyover." I don't want to fly past landmarks on "Wuhu Island." I DO want to fly a gyrocopter through rings over a condensed map of the United States. I want to hover over a city using a Rocket Belt. I want to fire a human cannonball at a target miles away, aiming him with my Wiimote. The recent, long overdue Punch-Out!! update proved that nostalgia-fueled gamers will buy updates of games they remember from childhood. What are you waiting for, Nintendo?

Rock Band

I want actual credit when I pull off a Townsend bunny hop or windmill. When I lean waaaay back like Slash I want the crowd to go wild. Leg kicks, pelvic thrusts, monster poses, fist pumps in between riffs, I want it all. Geez, I already do all of these things when I play that I fear will turn up in embarrassing YouTube videos. Why not get some points. Star power by tilting the guitar -- pfffffttt.

Enemies you love to hate

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:23:49 -0700

There are enemies that are tough to defeat, and enemies that are easy. And then there is a special, separate group of bad guys that are just plain jerks. They're not so hard; they don't have a bunch of hit points. But for whatever reason, they seem to exist solely to annoy the freaking soul out of you. Below are a few of the greatest jerks of all time, but this is far from all of them. Nominate your own classic jerks in the comments.

Sniper Joe, Mega Man

There are a lot of jerks in Mega Man -- for instance, the little hard-hat dude could easily qualify for the title. The extra-special obnoxious thing about Sniper Joe is his propensity to stand there behind his impenetrable shield and do nothing for long stretches. Look, dude, can we just get on with this whole "shooting each other" thing already? Because I've got other things to do.

Looper, StarTropics

They sit around with a big grin on their face and then, if you cross their line of sight, they rocket across the screen in an attempt to bite you (a feat at which they almost always succeed). Pretty standard fare, except that Mike, the hero of StarTropics, can't run worth a damn. Yes, in the StarTropics universe, this garter snake -- one that never leaves a coiled position, no less -- can travel at ultrasonic speeds while star baseball pitcher Mike Jones is still struggling to handle the concept of "left foot, right foot." And Looper (what kind of name is that for a snake?) never misses a chance to rub it in your face.

Slime, Dragon Warrior

Like the dude from work who insists on playing on the softball team even though he obviously can't hack it, the humble Slime is a benign sort who ought to just get off the field. Nobody in the history of Dragon Warrior has ever been killed by a regular Slime. They're 0-for-70 billion. And yet the Slime still makes you sit through another tedious random battle, dragging everybody through the whole ordeal because this time, THIS TIME, he thinks he can pull off the win. Know your limits, little blob of goo.

Fleaman, Castlevania

Fleaman is a hunchback. He doesn't have any special powers. He's not undead. So why does he cost you a million hit points when he bumps into you? Which, not for nothing, is all he does. He simply fidgets a little bit and then jumps into the air (juuust missing your whip every time) in the hope that he will stumble into one Simon Belmont. Does Dracula's human resources department know about this? The prince of darkness really ought to have higher standards.

The UFO, Space Invaders

One of the earliest jerks, this thing knew how to make you seethe. Who wouldn't bristle at the way it would just cruise blithely across the top of screen and DARE you to hit it? It's the equivalent of the insult clown who sits in a dunk tank, daring you to hit the target with the grungy old softball.

Rodian Scavengers, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Guys, don't know if you've noticed this, but the stuff you're so viciously defending with your blasters and your incessant jibber-jabber? It's garbage. Literally. Believe me, I don't want your precious garbage. I'm here to kill a Jedi master or two, and I'll be on my way. So just relax, and go do ... whatever it is you like to do with those green snout things. Because you're making me realize why Han shot first.

Birds, Ninja Gaiden

No creature is more deserving of an appearance on this list than these avian S.O.B.s from the first Ninja Gaiden. They set a bar for jerkiness that has never been equaled. In a game that required pinpoint jumping and insane reflexes, a bird was always, ALWAYS there to mess up a jump at the worst possible moment. And just go ahead and try to kill them. They'll keep coming, spawning instantly without giving you a moment's respite. Why? What did we ever do to those birds? Ninjas and birds seem to have no inherent beef with each other -- they're both quiet, light on their feet, and just want to be left alone. It didn't matter; these birds were out for blood. I would say that their relentless rage was Hitchcockian, but the feathered friends in Ninja Gaiden made the title characters from "The Birds" look like seed-nibbling chickadees.

Waggle me this, waggle me that

Sat, 8 Aug 2009 12:40:55 -0700

For some reason the fact that motion controls (or "gestures") are a major part of the Wii control interface bothers people; it is felt that this ruins the gaming experience and that the majority of such implementations would be better served by traditional digital button presses. Indeed some people go so far as to desire all Wii games to have support for the Classic or GameCube controllers and not even use the packed-in Wii Remote + Nunchuk controls at all, much less the gestural component. You don't have to read too many online game previews or reviews without seeing some mention of "waggle controls" - even if the game lacks any gestural input at all!

When looking at the history of console gaming we see that for the most part controls have consisted of digital input, with the odd trackball or rotary analog device. Many people moaning about Nintendo's choice of using gestures forget that the move to analog thumbsticks as the default directional input device on the consoles of the mid-90s to today was similarly decried and rightly so: in the majority of cases the only purpose of analog control is to provide some kind of unnecessary incremental movement animation for a character in a 3D action game.

The only places it really benefits the player is in flight sims and driving games; there aren't many of the former and a thumbstick is a pretty poor interface for the latter. Really you may as well still be using a d-pad and in games with a more arcade styling you'll have better results. Nevertheless Nintendo and Microsoft have both decided upon controllers with the d-pad relegated to a secondary position and without continued cries about "tacked on" analog control.

The simple fact is that gestures are more readily grasped by people who wouldn't normally play video games, and even skeptics should agree that playing Wii Sports Tennis is more fun waving a Wiimote than fiddling with a joypad. The reasons for disliking gestures due to a tacked-on nature should be focusing on developer game design, rather than the interface itself. A Wiimote motion isn't more or less legitimate than a button press from a mechanical perspective - it's just a different way to send a signal - but sometimes the use of these gestures rightly deserves some criticism.

Some developers try to do too much with gestures and don't appear to recognize the limitations of the motion detection hardware in the Wii Remote and Nunchuk. The Wiimote is clearly sensitive to motion as Let's Tap! attests, using vibration of the Wiimote through the box it's resting upon to play the game.

The Nunchuk's detection of rotation is also good enough to be used to rotate the camera in Marvel Ultimate Alliance . However it's clear from gesture implementation in games like Godzilla Unleashed, Rampage Total Destruction and Marvel Ultimate Alliance that distinguishing between movements in opposite directions isn't quite as easily done and a motion in the opposite direction of the motion intended is frequently registered. Given the difficulty of detecting an upward or downward Wiimote motion generally in these three games it's clear that further adjustment of the motion controls was required; the developers may not have taken the time or have been given the opportunity to properly implement the controls.

Failure to distinguish between motions in opposite directions is likely due to the motion being too quick for the Wii to pick up until the move back to a neutral position happens. Alternatively the motion detection sensitivity has been set so high that rapid movements are being ignored (because they overload the sensor) and more subtle return motions are picked up. Whatever the reason, it appears developers have to put more effort into tuning the controls and working around the interface limitations.

De Blob uses a downward motion to perform jumps and slam targeted enemies with great results. This appears fairly simple, but the game also successfully discerns left/right motion when jumping off the side of a building which involves motioning away from the surface your character is attached to. Deadly Creatures uses controls that accept input which is either up/down or left/right eliminating the issues associated with false detection of motion in the opposite direction and also allows users to tune the gesture sensitivity - something more developers should consider. This same game also features Quicktime sequences which call for - and detect - movement of the Wiimote and Nunchuk away from each other.

As well as addressing motion detection issues we should look upon use of motions for repetitive actions as a poor game design decision; not as an indictment of motion control in general. Marvel Ultimate Alliance uses a quick left-right motion as a primary melee attack; given the ongoing battles with henchmen and goons throughout the game this is clearly a poor decision and leads to rapid tiring of the forearms. Thankfully this same action can be carried out with the A button instead.

Mushroom Men also uses a Wiimote wave to carry out melee attacks, but has no button alternative which suggests a lack of consideration for how long people will play the game in one sitting. Deadly Creatures was to have a similar use of motion for primary attack, but the developers made a decision to delay release of the game to swap the gesture for a button press, citing player fatigue as the reason and rightly so.

Microsoft and Sony are going to embrace motion control in the future of their consoles and we'll see if they give it a position as prominent as that of the analog thumbstick. Clearly Nintendo has made a great success of drawing in new customers who would otherwise not participate in gaming. The notion that standing and waving a remote in the air looks "lame" or "uncool" compared to sitting with a small wedge of plastic and rapidly fiddling with it appears to be a minority view given how many people have been ready and willing to mime Tennis and Bowling on their Wiis. I'm sure they would rightly regard controller fiddling as the less appealing activity.

Congratulations, you bought a DS! Now what?

Thu, 5 Mar 2009 19:50:20 -0800

With the massive success of the Nintendo Wii, it's easy to forget that Nintendo has been kicking ass and taking names with its fabulously popular line of handheld game machines since 1989. The Nintendo DS was the first to ditch the Game Boy brand name, and at first glance it felt a little gimmicky. With two screens (one of them touch-sensitive) the machine felt like a goofy departure from the sheer simplicity that made the Game Boy a standby for mobile gaming. And the first incarnation of the Nintendo DS that hit in 2004 wasn't all that great. The thing had the form factor of an old Volvo. The screens were dim and most of the games weren't all that great.

But Nintendo quickly went back to the drawing board and in 2006 unveiled the Nintendo DS Lite, a streamlined version of the DS that retained all the original system's great functionality (Wi-Fi, built-in microphone, Game Boy Advance backward compatibility) but crammed it into a package with contemporary iPod-esque styling. In Japan Nintendo has released an updated version of the Lite called the Nintendo DSi, which adds a built-in camera and an SD card slot for additional storage. Nintendo just announced a U.S. release date for the DSi, April 5th, which is going to further the DS phenomenon.

But isn't the PSP better?

Sony's PlayStation Portable seemed like a contender when it first launched. It's a sexy piece of hardware with more horsepower than the Nintendo DS in nearly every category. If you're looking for a portable multimedia device -- something for listening to music, watching video, and looking at pictures -- you might consider nabbing the PSP. But when it comes to games, the Nintendo DS' catalog handily outclasses the PSP's. See, many of the games released for the PSP failed to take the idea of portability into account -- they recreated the console experience in the portable setting. And that's not what gamers really needed or wanted. The best Nintendo DS games aren't graphically stunning or all that technically innovative, but they deliver great pick-up-and-play fun.

I have the old Nintendo DS; should I upgrade?

Hell, yes. It's time to put that old DS out to pasture. Or, better yet, donate it -- along with a couple Nintendo classics -- to your local children's hospital or Salvation Army. After an hour with the DS Lite's well-lit screens, you'll be glad you forked over for your shiny new toy.

What accessories should I grab?

The really nice thing about the Nintendo DS Lite is that it comes with everything you need. The system is pretty sturdy, and since it folds into a clamshell you won't need anything to protect your screens. So, the only additional stuff you should consider buying is gear that helps you personalize or accessorize the system to better match your style. There are tons of third-party carrying cases that range from tacky to tasteful. If you're the absent-minded type, you can fork over some cash for a spare stylus or two. I prefer the kind that slip into the system's storage slot, but there all kinds of cute pointers that come decorated with videogame characters. If you find the stock stylus too small or uncomfortable, some of these larger styli might be just what you're looking for.

What are games on the Nintendo DS like?

There's a wide variety of games available for the Nintendo DS, serving nearly everyone. Versions of many of Nintendo's standbys, like Super Mario Brothers and Tetris, are available. And the system has become a great opportunity to revisit or become reacquainted with classic role-playing games. Square Enix has re-released some of its greatest old-school games as well as a handful of exceptional sequels. A great deal of the games for the Nintendo DS feature online play, so if you're looking for somebody with whom to trade Pokémon, all you need is access to a Wi-Fi hotspot and you're connected to millions of other traders. If you don't have a wireless router in your home or apartment, the official Nintendo DS Web site has a list of places where you can connect to the Internet.

You'll also find a bunch of one-of-a-kind experiences on the Nintendo DS -- quirky games like Elite Beat Agents and Electroplankton that are as odd as they are fun. And there's a whole slew of software designed to help the Nintendo DS feel more practical -- programs that help you cook meals, learn languages, and practice math. It's not an exaggeration to say that there's something for almost everybody on the Nintendo DS.

So what games should I get?

There's a lot of junk on store shelves right now, so be really careful what you grab. Try to stay away from any game based on a cartoon, movie or superhero. Skip the game if the name of the game ends with a "z" rather than an "s." Truth is, many casual gamers are perfectly happy with games like Imagine Babyz or Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force. But I'm a videogame critic. It's my job to point you towards the best of the best -- the games that innovated. So if you want a game about dogs, do yourself a favor and grab Nintendogs, the game that started it all. If you're into cats, sadly, you're out of luck.

Below you'll find a bunch of top-10 lists featuring a wide variety of fun games. I've sorted these lists in order of accessibility. The first list features games for nearly every gamer -- including the casual player looking for a great game with which to pass the time.

As the lists progress, the experiences get deeper. So if you're just getting back into gaming, try a couple of games from the early lists before jumping into more involved experiences.

Ten Nintendo classics

New Super Mario Brothers
Mario Kart DS
Animal Crossing: Wild World
The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass
Nintendogs
Super Mario 64 DS
Yoshi's Island DS
Tetris DS
Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time
Pokémon Diamond Version and Pearl Version

Ten mysteries, puzzlers, parlor games and brain-benders

The New York Times Crosswords
WordJong
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Clubhouse Games
Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day!
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (series)
Sudoku Gridmaster
Hotel Dusk: Room 215
Meteos
Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords

Action, old-school & arcade

Space Invaders Extreme
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow, Portrait of Ruin and Order of Ecclesia
Retro Atari Classics
Namco Museum
Tecmo Bowl: Kickoff
N+
Moon
Bangai-O Spirits
Geometry Wars: Galaxies
TrackMania DS

Ten excellent RPGs

Chrono Trigger
Final Fantasy IV
The World Ends With You
Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift
Mystery Dungeon: Shiren the Wanderer
Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen
Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime
Front Mission
Etrian Odyssey and Etrian Odyssey II: Heroes of Lagaard
Advance Wars: Dual Strike and Days of Ruin

Ten offbeat options

Elite Beat Agents
Away: Shuffle Dungeon
Contact
WarioWare: Touched!
Izuna: Legend of the Unemployed Ninja
Electroplankton
Trauma Center: Under the Knife
Korg DS-10
Personal Trainer: Cooking
My Japanese Coach

Ten recommended imports

Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan and Moero! Nekketsu Rhythm Damashii: Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan 2
Rhythm Tengoku Gold (coming to the States soon as Rhythm Heaven)
Flower, Sun and Rain (coming to the States soon)
Daigasso! Band Brothers DX
Ketsui Death Label
Arkanoid DS (with paddle controller)
GameCenter CX: Arino's Challenge (coming to the States soon as Retro Game Challenge)
Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland
Front Mission 2089: Border of Madness
Super Robot Wars W

What's the deal with these imports? I can't read Japanese!

The Nintendo DS is a region-free console -- meaning games from any country will play on it. You can also buy a Nintendo DS from Japan and use it to play American games. This is a great option if you're looking for a special color of Nintendo DS, or want one of the fancy-pants special-edition handhelds that come out in Japan every so often. And yes, most of the games you nab from Japan will be in Japanese. Some require familiarity with the language to enjoy, but others can be enjoyed by anyone. Keep in mind, too, that Europe occasionally gets games (such as Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland) that don't make it to the U.S. -- just make sure to find out if anybody plans to release the game in the States before you import it, because exchange rates can make some imports pretty pricey. So, yes, some of these games may not be English, but many can be enjoyed despite (and even because of) language barriers. Arkanoid DS is also available in the states, but it comes with a nifty paddle that plugs into the GBA slot at the bottom of the Nintendo DS. If you're in the market for stuff from Japan, try Play-Asia. For European import availability, check out Amazon.co.uk.

Final thoughts

If you made it through that last paragraph, you have a pretty good feeling for the diversity of experiences available on the Nintendo DS. The system really does cater to wide variety of gamers. And because of this diversity, we urge you not to take our word as gospel when it comes to game recommendations. Our tastes may differ. Take the list of games we provided as a starting point and go from there. Ask your friends what Nintendo DS games they enjoyed. Read a couple of reviews from different sources before making a decision. No matter what you do, don't make your game purchases based on the box cover and bullet points on the back alone. Put in a tiny bit of effort before you spend your dough, and you'll be rewarded with endless hours of fun. That said, don't be afraid to grab a cheap game out of the bargain bin. Every so often you'll find a great gem. And some marked-down games are so terrible, they turn the corner to awesome. Just know that you almost always get what you pay for.

Congratulations, you bought a Wii! Now what?

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:00:07 -0800

Welcome to the bandwagon. You've just purchased what's far and away the most popular system of this console generation, with over 45 million systems sold worldwide.

Why has it been such a success? Simple: Nintendo designed the Wii not just for the stereotypical core gamer demographic (teenaged to middle-aged males), but for everybody -- parents, grandparents, your little sister, your Uncle Ralph who still thinks Pong is the bee's knees (he really says stuff like that!) -- everybody! The key is the intuitive Wii Remote, which acts as a pointer to select from menus and also as a motion-sensitive controller to make in-game characters mimic your actions. So hold on tight to that Remote, and let's look at what the Nintendo Wii has to offer.

Pros:

* Low cost
* Innovative controller
* Nintendo franchises (Mario, Zelda, etc.)
* Downloadable classic games
* Nice, simple Web browser and Internet "Channels"

Cons:

* No high-definition graphics
* Limited on-board storage space
* Connection issues in online gameplay
* Lots of crappy games
* Can't play DVDs

History

Nintendo's fifth home videogame console, the Wii was released in North America on Nov. 19, 2006. The system (originally called the "Revolution" during development) is the long-anticipated follow-up to the Nintendo GameCube, which struggled to carve out significant market share against Sony's PlayStation 2. The controller technology was a closely guarded secret until the 2005 Tokyo Game Show, where it was revealed to mixed reviews. Also receiving mixed reviews: the system's new name of "Wii," which induced many chuckles when it was revealed just before the 2006 Electronic Entertainment Expo. These days, most Wii owners can refer to the system with a straight face after only a few weeks of practice, so don't worry if you're a new owner -- it does get easier.

Looks

The Wii is by far the smallest of the current generation of systems, with a sleek, white rectangular body. The front is marred only by a few buttons, a single power indicator light and a front-loading disc slot that can glow an eerie blue when the system receives a message. A grey holder keeps the system upright at a distinctive angle, but the system can also be placed horizontally, in which case it resembles a small DVD player more than anything else.

Famous for...

The Wii Remote. This revolutionary controller eschewed the increasing number of buttons and joysticks on other console controllers for a straightforward design with only a few buttons and a simple directional pad. The Remote still allows for a wide variety of inputs, though, via a motion-sensing internal accelerometer that can detect how the Remote is being tilted and moved through space and an infrared sensor bar that detects where on the screen the Remote is pointing. These two control methods make for a genuinely unique control scheme that is hard -- if not impossible -- to replicate well on other systems. For more traditional games, an optional Nunchuk attachment to the Remote adds additional buttons and a standard thumbstick.

Infamous for...

The mini-game collections. For every truly classic Wii game, there are at least five other releases that are overly simple, cheap collections of mini-games that won't hold most players' attention for more than a few minutes. These games are almost always released at a bargain-basement price with a simple unifying conceit apparent from the title (see: Carnival Games, EA Playground and Ninja Reflex). Almost without exception, these mini-game collections are shoddily made and don't offer anything original or even worthwhile as a means of fun. Stay away.

The Virtual Console

Of course, disc-based Wii games are only a part of the system's library. Owners with a high-speed Internet connection can purchase and download classic games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo 64, Sega Genesis and more with the flick of the Remote. Sure, they might not be the prettiest games to look at or listen to anymore, but many of these classic games still pack the same enjoyable gameplay punch that they did when they first came out. (You can also download original games for the Wii, using a feature called WiiWare, but to tell you the truth, most of them aren't worth the money.)

Must-buy hardware

Extra controllers ($40). The Wii comes with one Wii Remote and one Nunchuk, but you'll want to buy at least one more of each to take advantage of the system's many multiplayer games. Also keep an eye out for Wii Play, a selection of a few relatively simple two-player games that comes with an extra Remote for $50.

A controller charger ($30). While the Wii's wireless Remote is revolutionary and everything, it's also quite the battery hog. If you don't want to take out a second mortgage just to support your AA battery purchases, get a rechargeable battery pack to keep your Remotes juiced. Might I recommend Nyko's Wii Charge Station, which comes with a snazzy base to show off two to four Remotes as they charge.

SD Card ($25). The Wii's wimpy 512 MB of on-board storage can fill up quickly, especially if you're a fan of downloadable games. An SD card lets you increase the storage space. Shop around and you can probably find a 2 GB card -- more than enough for most users -- for about $25.

Must-avoid hardware

System fans ($10). These accessories are marketed as a way to guard against overheating systems by circulating air away from the hardware. In reality, the Wii puts out very little heat and should be fine if it's in a generally well-ventilated area. Save your money and put it towards an extra controller instead.

Plastic Remote Attachments ($5 - $20). There is a surprisingly large number of these cheap, plastic attachments, which clip onto the Remote to make it look like a tennis racquet, sword, pool cue, saxophone, pom-poms or dozens of other in-game objects. Besides throwing off the Remote's careful balance, they often obscure the pointer function, making menus harder to use. Plus, they just look tacky. Stay away!

10 must-buy games for your library

Boom Blox
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Mario Kart Wii
Rayman Raving Rabbids
Rock Band 2
Super Mario Galaxy
Super Paper Mario
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
WarioWare: Smooth Moves
Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure

10 must-download Virtual Console games

Bomberman '93
Mega Man 2
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Super Mario 64
Super Mario Bros. 3
Super Mario World
Super Metroid
Super Castlevania IV
Street Fighter II: The World Warrior

Please stop it with the mandatory racing sequence

Sun, 8 Feb 2009 19:41:23 -0800

So, I'm still playing Moon, heading into what I think is the game's last dungeon. Like I said last time I wrote about Moon, this is a good if somewhat inexplicable game... but it succumbs to one heartbreaking flaw. I'm not calling Renegade Kid out for this especially hard, because a lot of really great games have embraced this idiotic design flaw, too.

I'm talking about the Mandatory Racing Sequence, where a game's standard play - which is not racing - briefly stops. You are then forced to play some sort of racing game if you want to proceed. The idea behind the Mandatory Racing Sequence seems to be that developers are concerned that players will get bored just doing one thing (even if it's what a player bought the game to do). The race is meant to be a little change-up in gameplay that will keep players interested.

Problem: these racing sequences are almost always a thousand times worse than anything else the game has to offer. Either the developers didn't have time to build a proper engine for the racing sequence and the controls are awkward, or whatever they did build is too unpolished to be any fun. What was meant as a fun distraction becomes a hateful chore.

Probably the most recognizable example of hateful Mandatory Racing Sequences are the ones in Super Mario Sunshine, which were entirely mandatory and featured spectacularly awful controls. These returned as the hateful "ray-surfing" racing sequences in Super Mario Galaxy, which actually feel a thousand times worse in context because Galaxy is otherwise a much better game than Sunshine. Also, you couldn't lose in Sunshine until you hit an obstacle, while Galaxy lets you enjoy the fantastic option of repeatedly flinging your manta ray off the side of the course into oblivion. At least some of the Galaxy courses are skippable...

Ah, but back to Moon's Mandatory Racing Sequence. I'm going to describe this to you, because I have a very hard time believing it got through QA in what is otherwise a tremendously polished game. Basically, about one-third of the way through the game, your character gets access to a little moon buggy called the LOLA-RR10. It lets you drive around to new dungeons and find plot things.

Now, the LOLA-RR10's controls are... well, "highly imprecise" is the charitable way of putting it, but I figured that was intentional. It's a moon buggy, right? You shouldn't be able to stop on a dime or corner like a fiend in it. Basically, you control the LOLA-RR10 the same way you control your main character in Moon. That means you accelerate and corner with the D-Pad, and control the camera with the stylus. You also have a little gun you can fire with the L button.

Now, most racing games don't make the player futz with camera control because that is a completely terrible idea. Not only do you have to wrestle with the LOLA's unresponsiveness, but you also have to make sure you're angling the camera in such a way that your d-pad input will send you into the desired passage and not, say, into a wall or land mine. If you're trying to go fast, the stylus camera controls tend to inspire incredible motion sickness.

Now, about halfway through the game, there's a sequence where you have to take the LOLA to a satellite dish installation as part of the plot. You are given a two-minute timer in which to manage this. The area you're racing through is loaded with enemies, twisting passages, land mines, and dead ends. Yes, the game seriously expects you to deal with this crap while winning a two-minute moon buggy race.

It gets better! Halfway through the race, you find the goal marked on your mini-map is in fact only a checkpoint. Regardless of how well or poorly you were doing at that point in the game, Moon immediately autosaves your progress. Moon also only allows one savefile at a time, too, so if you can't win after the checkpoint auto-save, then guess what? You get to delete your data and play the entire first half of the game over again.

Now, as it happened, I'd read a vaguely-worded warning about the race shenanigans in a Destructoid review before I started playing Moon. When the sequence started, I immediately recognized that this must be the part of the game that could break your save and managed to bull through with relatively little trouble by making sure I got through the first half of the segment with about a minute left. If I hadn't been warned... well, this rant would be a lot angrier, I bet.

Still: why is this sequence even in the game? There's no way someone doing it for the first time, who hasn't been warned about the checkpoint, is going to actually hit the checkpoint with enough time to finish. More to the point, the sequence by itself isn't any fun, it's just something you put up with so you can get back to the nice polished FPS sequences.

As bad as Moon's save-breaking Mandatory Racing Sequence is, it's not actually the worst I've ever played. That dubious honor goes to Battletoads - otherwise an entirely memorable if not actually good 8-bit game - which has rapidly autoscrolling speederbike racing levels that are excruciatingly difficult to finish with two players (in a game that was heavily advertised as a great two-player successor to Double Dragon). A similar sequence involving "winger clingers" later on is literally impossible to finish with two players. Even solo, completing the racing levels involves an exquisitely hellish merger of twitch reflex and rote memorization. I did it, but I wasn't proud of myself for having done so.

While I rag on Mandatory Racing Sequences here, I will note that they don't have to be bad. When developers put a lot of care into polishing the race sequence up, or when they just have the good sense to make it none too obtrusive, then the race can be a pleasant break from other sorts of gameplay.

Final Fantasy VII, for instance, may have the most well-done Mandatory Racing Sequence of all time. You're only required to snowboard once and don't actually have to be any good at it-- since the skills demanding by snowboarding aren't exactly what the rest of the game demands. That said, there was enough meat to the snowboarding game that it was conceivable you'd want to go back and play it again just for fun. Square-Enix even managed to sell it as a stand-alone cel phone game in Japan.

That should be the gold standard for any Mandatory Racing Sequence: if it's not a snippet of gameplay that could be easily expanded and sold as a game by itself, just don't do it. And I seriously doubt Renegade Kid ever entertained the delusion that they might be able to sell a full LOLA-RR10 Moonbuggy Derby to anybody.

The Importance of Retail

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 10:38:13 -0800

Everyone who has ever bought a video game at a shop knows how long the drive home can be. But that time between when a purchase has been made and before it’s played is never unpleasant.

Rather, it is in these delicious moments that you hold in your hands the perfect video game: one which has been invested in but which is yet to let you down. Unknown games are always the best ones because they are played in our imaginations, free of budgetary restraints, deadlines and the ten thousand other pressures that bear down upon the games of reality.

They are always stronger, funnier, cleverer and better-executed than their realities and so that drive home from the store, when the game is tangible in your hands but still imagined in your mind, is oftentimes the most potent moment in the video game experience.

And yet it’s an experience whose days are numbered. If not by the next generation of hardware then certainly by the one after, all of our games will be supplied by digital distribution, the drive home from the shop with a new game box an anachronism, the weird necessity of supposedly poorer and simpler age.

This makes sense. While shopping for clothes on the high street will always be preferable to mail order – after all, clothes are tactile, need to be tried on and assessed in the atom dimension – video games have nothing to do with physicality. Discs are a means to an end, not an end in themselves unlike, say, an art book with thick pages that you’d want to leave open on a coffee table. Just as .mp3s make CDs obsolete so too will our broadband pipes and copious hard-drives dismiss hard media.

The long drive home will be replaced by a loading bar which fills as you browse the internet or make a cup of tea. And why not? Quaintness will always give way to convenience in technology’s inevitable advance and few things are so convenient as digital distribution.

The game manufacturers, ostensibly, win too. As their games exist only as digital copies, tied to gamer accounts, so the second hand market console software will choke. No need to tie hardware to software codes, or to create long-view achievements to convince players to hang on to their games. There will be no other option.

But beyond the romance of reminiscing about the dingy independent game stores of our youth, there’s the very real disadvantage of not being able to trade old games in for new. How many game sales are made in part-exchange, trading spent old experiences for new ones, especially amongst younger gamers?

And what of those games that will be lost to time when they’re removed from the publisher’s servers? Bandwidth costs ensure that not every game released into the ether will be served indefinitely. When a game fails to make enough money month to month to cover the cost of its hosting, what sensible business is going to hold onto it?

Will we need a video game arts council, funded to make available those games that aren’t necessarily popular but are important and culturally improving, like those who work tirelessly to preserve the opera?

Video game retail is endangered, its removal from the industry supposedly a good thing, bringing publisher and consumer closer to one another and, perhaps, by removing the middlemen, helping to reduce the cost of games.

But the implications of the shift are far-reaching, will cost jobs, will bury games that have outlived their virtual shelf life and will make it much harder for 13-year-old newcomers to find buried Treasure, a sad thing indeed.